| Why do I always end up back here with all my regrets? Nothing so dramatic as last time. No need to console, whoever might be out there. I just miss my friends. I miss them a lot, and I feel further away from them than ever before. I've done things that have affected this distance, I know. I'm not good at being available to them. I'm about 90% sure that I have some form of social phobia. I'm about 90% sure that I have some form of stress-disorder which cripples my ability to deal with stressful situations and causes me to retreat into my shell of safety. These things aside, I know that I used to have the world's greatest friends, and that I've lost quite a few of them recently.
I want them back.
I want my friends back.
But I'm scared that it may be too late already.
However, a wise man must have, at one time or another, probably said: "You must not linger in 'IF' but must plunge boldly into 'ACT'."
This transformation, the process of leaving IF and becoming ACT is something that has been weighing on my mind for some time. It shall be my greatest challenge, and I hope to save my friends with it. However, I have to admitt that it's hard to find time when I never seem to have outside time as it is. There isn't a day in the week when I'm not doing something, trapped up at school or going to work at some God-awful hour in the morning. Yet through the day I think about them, I wonder how they are doing, want to connect to them, but can't think of a way that would be recieved without them heaping scorn upon me for my actions. Deservedly so.
I think about my friends a lot.... I miss them.
If there are any of you out there... my friends know who they are... I am sorry. I love you all. I miss you all. My heart aches when I think about how long it has been and the iron-clad trivialities that keep me chained and away from you: work and school. They are hollow, empty shells made of steel, and I batter myself to pieces upon them in an attempt to be free. But I can't. Please understand, my friends, my loved ones.
Please....
~Weiler | comments: 10 comments or Leave a comment   |
| Lonliness is an interesting thing. I think that it's something that I've suffered from all ym life without ever really understanding what it is. The need to reach out and to be reached out to, to see and be seen, to touch and hold and to be held is so powerful its almost breath-taking. That being said, I wonder about my life and the choices that I've made. Am I really the powerful man that I once thought that I was or am I something different, something less than anything. I feel like I've taken my first step into a larger world, but there's a part of me that's afraid to set out, to get going. With the discovery of new knowledge I just realize more how much there is to learn. With the mastery of a new skill I see how intricate it all is and how much farther I have to go before true mastery is gained. I want to touch everyone that I see on the street. I wonder about their lives, their thoughts, what they're interested in, who they're with, what they're doing, it's almost like an addiction. I've become addicted to people and now that I am I'm already attached to one and only one partner. Not that I would ever want to give that up, it's just that now I am beginning to realise all the doors that I have closed. True, that behind those doors there is nothing greater than what I have right now, but my curiosity is insatiable, what the different paths could have been, the different skills that I could have mastered, the knowledge to learn. It all presses in on me day in and day out and I feel like I'm going to explode sometimes. I've transformed into someone who could sit quitely for as long as I needed to and now I can't sit still for three minutes together. I'm always wanting to do and to achieve. It's driving me insane partly because I don't know what do to, where to start, who to turn to, and the other part is that I don't think that Traci understands. I don't think she'll get it. I worry that I've turned into a monster that can't provide the life that she wants and needs and that my marriage is on thin ice because of it. What if I can't find more? Where to begin?
I feel safe because no one will read this. It's all over now. What remains is just dust. There is no life in it.
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Weiler | | comments: 18 comments or Leave a comment |
| Hello!
Well, everyone, let me tell you, it's REALLY HOT over where I am. And that means two things: 1.) My work get's super busy, which is awesome. B.) I get to jump in the lake at my house! I got to jump in yesterday, and man was it cold! But it was really refreshing. Traci and I are thinking about having a party at the house soon sometime in the early evening so that people can also enjoy the lake and so that we can hang out with people. But we'll see what happens.
There is an interesting phenominon that occurs when the weather changes abruptly for the better. People seem to start to gravitate to extremes. They're either really happy and energetic, empowered by the now-radiant sun, or they seem to be extremely put off by the ubruptness of it all and become wilting and moody and suspicious of all things bright. I happen to be very happy that the sun is out and shinning! Traci, however, found the first few days a bit hard to bear. However, I can only see this as a turn for the better, considering that now my work will need more people on more of the time and that means more hours, which I need.
Anyway, that's all I have time for. Here's another cool quiz!
 | You scored as Angel. Angel: Angels are the guardians of all things, from the smallest ant to the tallest tree. They give inspiration, love, hope, and positive emotion. They live among humans without being seen. They are the good in all things, and if you feel alone, don't fear. They are always watching. Often times they merely stand by, whispering into the ears of those who feel lost. They would love nothing more then to reveal themselves, but in today's society, this would bring havoc and many unneeded questions. Give thanks to all things beautiful, for you are an Angel.
Angel | | 92% | Faerie | | 75% | Mermaid | | 67% | Dragon | | 50% | WereWolf | | 33% | Demon | | 0% | </td>
What Mythological Creature are you? (Cool Pics!)
created with QuizFarm.com |
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~Weiler | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| Alright! Let's try this journal thing. The whole record of thoughts and such. Though, really, looking back on some of my old entries I must laugh. It's strange some of the emotions that looking at what was or what used to be brings up. I can certainly tell that I've grown a fair amount in the time since I first got this journal (gosh, that must have been three or four years ago). I think the real unfortunate (or interesting) part is that, since I'm really bad at updating this contraption, you really get only a slice of what was, a cross section, as opposed to a whole picture. Which, in it's own way, it's a very interesting way to look at your life. The moments that flash out of the darkness like bolts of lighting and illumuinate those objects and obstacles that filled those periods, only to fade back into the shadows of memory.
For those of you who might be just joining the on-going dialogue, let me clarify a few points:
1.) Hi!
2.) Yes, I am a nerd, it happens. I'm guessing that since you can see this it means you know (or know someone who knows me?) and that means you're a nerd too! Viva la Nerds!
3.) No, seriously, for those of you who might now be seeing this for the first time, let me qualify the way we roll around here: The journal reflects one of my weirdest traits, which is the logical tangent of eternal thought. Many times I'll just start talking about something and got on for a paragraph or two and that's an entry right there. There is usually little mention of what's going on in my 'real' or 'normal' or 'crazy' life, thought it has certainly been known to happen on occassion.
And you might be saying to yourself: "What the heck is Weiler talking about? He's told us all this before!" Well, you recreants (I tease!), I have recently learned that some of my drama friends have Livejournals and I wanted to get the old journal looking nice (and explained) for their possible viewing (since it's been a shambles for months).
And, you know, that brings me to an interesting idea. You know, when you're looking at one of your friends' journal's you can look at their friends' too, right? Well, through this chain of friends you can see a lot of people's journals, even people you may not have any idea who they are! And it's a strange thing to think that while there are very few people who know me that read my journal someone who just hit the right combination of people could, quite on accident, be reading my journal. Unfortunately (fortunately?) my greatest combatant against that possibility is that since I update so rarely few people have my entries sitting on their friend's page. In fact, I think that none at all have my entries up. I mean, it's been months since I updated! Anyway, I should probably take my leave now since I just might end up talking about random stuff for another few paragraphs.
As a closing thought, I'll post a quiz from one of my real-life livejournal friends.
You're a little gold key, and you unlock other
people's hearts. Your kindness and willingness
to be there for those you care about lets
people open up to you knowing they will be
accepted. People will rely on you, but be
careful not to give more than you have.
What sort of key are you and what do you unlock?
brought to you by Quizilla
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~Weiler | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | DeBussy- Claire de Lune | | Subject: | Hammer a Nail.... | | Time: | 05:47 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/pengies/cool.gif) peaceful |
|
| I suppose that, really, it makes sense to update this mockery of a journal for the benefit of any in this vast, strange and perplexing internet who might wonder about my whereabouts and why I seem to have vanished. I suppose that it ought to be comforting that there actually might be someone out there who would really miss me, but now, after so long, the thought itself seems odd. I'm sure that you're all better off without me, dear readers, as I'm not here to take up your time with mindless banter. I suppose that one could credit me with making something of a ripple on the face of internet communities, but all I've ever tried to do was be good to people, to help them out, be nice to them, and it seems as if, in a world (both online and off) where nice people are hard to come by, the presense of just one person with an attitude of this nature amounts to a very effective thing. PO is lucky enough to have several of these people frequenting their boards, people who also feel a great affinity to those they touch and a great loyalty as well. These are qualities rarely found, and that is why, in the end, PO is such a great place. It's the people who have remained loyal and stuck around for the majority of PO's life that are the true treasure of such a site. Obviously there will also always be those who will remain out of spite, those who take pleasure at putting others down, in being mean and petty, who stay because they like to have stationary targets, but at PO, for some reason, most of these people seem to get phased out over a matter of time, perhaps because of the strength of those same wonderful people who are kind to all, does not permit others to be mean and crude. The alliance of all these traits in any one person is a very rare thing indeed, and I wonder as to how it all came about that PO should have such luck to gain not just one, but a handful of these people to bring in others, to care and nuture those who wander by and decide to take a chance on a small web-community. Do I miss PO? It's a strange question. On the one hand, yes, I do. I miss it like I would miss an arm, or a leg, something irreplaceable. On the other hand it seems almost like another life to me. It seems so very long ago that I was on PO, that I was one of those constant fixtures who everyone knew (even if they didn't all like me). My life has changed so much. I'm moving to a new school next year. I have a girlfriend so wonderful that I consider the question of marriage. I'm focusing on music, my chosen career, and I feel like I've finally achieved something of a foothold. Life is busy, but highly enjoyable, and there is no PO in it. What does this mean?
I'm not sure.
Maybe PO is simply the past now... I can't say for certain. What I can say for certain is this: I miss those people, those PO people who made life that much more comforting. I may not NEED that comfort any more, but I miss seeing their names and their words, their personalities shinning through each sentance. I hope they are all alright and doing as wonderfuly and happily as I am.
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~Weiler | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| Well everyone, shocks of shocks, I'm still alive! Imagine that. Those of you who have me on your friends list might need a reminder of who I am. ;)
Anyway, on the business. *ahem* Merry Christmas! Happy New Year! Joyous Hanuka! Sensational Kwanza!
... I think that's all of them....
Okay so, my life: Busy, but happy. I've been working my butt off, but things look like they'll be easier this quarter by far, which is awesome. School and music is going well. I might be auditioning to be the lead singer for a rock band soon, which could be cool because rock bands usually have pretty consistent gigs, which means a good source of income. Of course, this is all speculation, so no more need to be said. I got three A's and one B this last quarter, so my grades are doing well. My Christmas was short, but nice, with most of my aquisitions being in the form of currency, but a few notables including two tickets to the opera for my girlfriend and I! (Yay!) I also go a replacement for the CD player that got stolen and a Gundam Wing Sandrock model from my friend in the navy who was stationed in Japan. Most awesome.
I guess the biggest and best news is that I am in love. But I have promised that that is not something that I will spend much time on in this journal. Just thought it should be noted that I am extremely happy in that aspect of my life.
I miss PO. It's been so long. I had just enough time to write them a short little explanation/farewell for them and I haven't really been on since. It's strange really. For so long my life was inoxerably tied up with the internet and now it seems to play little to no part at all. The friends that I've gained online have faded into the background, which is unfortunate because they are all really awesome people and I've had good times with them online and in real life. I hope that they are all well.
Anyway, I should get to sleep. There are still many many things to do, and it is getting late.
To all who might read this: Be well, be safe. I will keep you in my thoughts.
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~Weiler/Sperrit/Aetigae | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| Hey Everyone,
Long story short: Very very busy and tired. Wallet stolen, but I've dealt with it. Four month aniversery with my girlfriend! Lots of love there! yay! Work: boring and somewhat hard. Music: Interesting and somewhat hard and somewhat frustrating, but good over all. School: A's all around. General Report: Tired, but accomplished.
Now for quiz fun! All of you know my interest in Elements (I'm still working on making a quiz for my own Elemental system) but here's a good Elemental Quiz. I'm sure that you'll all find the answer to be shocking! ;)
Your element is earth: Wise, solitary, mysterious
and loving. You are very wise. Your wise as in
you know things others do not, you can see past
stereotypes and see the real people behind
their facades, and people will often come to
you for help and advice. Quite solitary and
somewhat shy around people because you prefer
animals and plants, animals aren't afraid to
show themselves or what they are feeling and
plants are fun to nurture. You are very strong
in your silence if you set your mind on
something you will often times pursue it to the
end. Sometimes you just want to get away, so
you seek refuge in the forest where you can
have time to think and try to sort out your
emotions. The sound of the wind usually calms
you, especially moving through the trees. Life
to you is something precious and should not be
taken for granted.
.:-|What is your true element?|-:. -With Anime Pictures and detailed answers-
brought to you by Quizilla
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~Weiler | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| This was so great I just had to post it. It's so true!
Hope everyone's doing well!
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~Weiler | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Hey Everyone,
Seems more and more like I turn to this thing for comfort these days. Perhaps that's because I'm too busy to take any real comfort from my friends. I actually got to hang out with one of my really good friends this last weekend after not seeing him for over three months. It was nice. It's always good to be reminded that there are people out there who actually like you.
My mother threatened to throw me out this morning, which, when I really think about it, isn't all that surprising, but it scared the sh*t out of me. I thought to myself: 'If I wasn't so afraid of the pain I'd probably slit my wrists today.' Nowhere to go for 'ole Weiler if I get thrown out. I'd be living on the streets, I guess, though I think that someone might take me in, but, in the end, I'd rather not impose. It would only lead to the same situation all over again. Whoever takes me in would get sick of my pretty quickly and then they'd have to throw me out and, really, I don't want to do that to one of my friends. That's just not cool. The sad part is that I'm working my butt off in school and my job, but there's no way I could afford an apartment right now, and I'm totally gridlocked AT LEAST until I get through this quarter. The problem is (welcome to Weiler thinking and planning out loud, please feel free to stop reading at your leisure) I need to get through school (AA degree) before I can take time off to work full time. For those of you who have been keeping up with my posts (no one? I figured as much ^_^ ) you can understand how my school-timing dilemma really doesn't add any positives to the picture. My one hope is that if things get really really bad that I can move in with my dad and start looking for a job near school or down where he lives. Besides that... things look as bleak as they've ever been. In some ways I hope I don't get kicked out just for what that would mean with my relationship with Mom. As corny as it might sound, I really don't want to piss her off and I'd rather that I got out of that house on good terms with her. Having her kick me out would really sour the relationship, and she's the only mom I've got, ya know? I'd rather not have that messed up. Plus, I feel like I owe her. She did raise me and has put up with me this whole time. Of course, she's made me feel like shit for almost all that time, but, really, that's what parents do, I hear. Man, I am one messed up cookie, eh? I think I need a cyanide.
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~Weiler | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| Hey Everyone,
Just a little add on to the last post there. After writing all of that I really started to do some real thinking about my situation and how everything is working and I came to the decision that I can handle this. It will be hard, yes, there will be sacrifice, yes, but I know I can do this, and moping about it isn't going to help anything. So I have decided to be upbeat about it and to not let it get me down. After all, everything we do in life is a choice, a choice to give in to despair or a choice to work hard and be happy no matter what. Things may be tough, but life is good, as it always has been and always will be. I hope that no matter what you all have to face, that you will remember that. Life is good so long as you believe it can be and always work towards your own betterment.
Life is wonderful.
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~Weiler | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Hey All,
It seems that lately my mind is filled with little except stresses and doubts and worries. I've reached this strange amorphous place in my life where I seem to have started to tread down a road that I thought would lead me to the places where I wanted to go and has ended up becoming constricted, restrained and turning towards places I hadn't thought to go.
It's funny, because I finally realize what people mean by 'things get complicated when you get older.' Things ARE complicated, but it's not that they GET complicated, they always were. You just don't ever see it until you have to start making your own decisions. At first it's easy. You say to yourself: I need to get an education. And so you go sign up for school and here's this big long list of classes that you have to take. And you say: Alright, I'll start taking these classes. Then you get done with all of your basic class requirements. Then you have to choose what you want to specialize in. For me, that was easy. I'm a singer, I want to sing, I want to perform. Sounds simple, right? Well, now we start to get into different shades of grey. I'll take music classes, I think. What kind of music classes? I say. I should take Theory, I think, because then I'll know more about what I'm doing and singing. And I say, that sounds good, what else? Then I think, I should take a performance group so I can keep my chops up. And I say, what Kind of performance group? And I say, Vocal Jazz, because it's harder and it will be more challenging. So, I take Music Theory and Vocal Jazz for a year. I learn a lot, I get better. Maybe not a TON better, but better. So, that year ends and over the summer I get into a musical and learn a lot about performing and acting that I never even knew before. I'm excited, I'm energized, this is a lot of fun! I get a girlfriend, who is awesome and I love her. Things seem to be looking up. The new school year starts. My VJ director says he'll offer me a scholarship to be in the group again. I have hesitations to be in the group again after all the tension and stress of last year from being in the group, but I can't turn down a scholarship. I sign up. The scholarship entails that I have to take Theory year two. That doesn't seem too bad. I also have to take the college Concert Choir, which is easy music, so I accept. However, I also sign up for two more classes, because I want to get into a good University later and these will help me. So I now have five classes, 21 credits, to take care of. A little much, but I can handle, it, right? Well, the school year starts, and off I go to classes. Theory proves to be pretty freak'n hard this time around, and most of the knowledge that they're feeding me isn't very useful to my trade. I guess I can live with that. Concert Choir is as expected. VJ, however, lost a lot of good members last year so the group is young and inexperienced. That means it's going to take more work this year to get it good. That's disappointing, but not unexpected. However, my other two classes aren't a walk through the park and all of my tuition and books, even with my scholarship, have proved a might expensive. I get a job. Classes get harder. I feel trapped. I never see my girlfriend and she is being pursued by another man. A dark feeling of dread descends upon me. I'm just struggling to keep up with everything. I get no sleep, I worry, I work, but I can't seem to work well enough.
....
This is the situation I find myself in. I contemplate my options and find them notoriously limited. I think right now I'm hovering between nervous breakdown and death, neither of which will help me keep my girlfriend. I just feel... tired. Very tired. I feel like I'm doing so much to please so many people, but it never turns out. I'm not good enough for my boss, I'm not talented enough for my director, I'm not smart enough for my mom. I have no support network now since I'm too busy to keep up with my friends, and my family has never been overly inclined to offer support, save for a few exceptions. And, either way, my friends have never been inclined to help me out anyway. I feel old, like I've lived longer in the past few months than I did in the past year. There's little to do than just get through it, I guess. Hopefully I'll make it. My money's on not, though.
I hope that everything is going well with all of you out there who will probably not read this whole thing because it's too long and who wants to hear my whine, anyway? Still, I hope that your lives are wonderful, as they deserve to be. Life should be wonderful.
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~Weiler | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| Hey Everyone,
I somehow feel it necessary (who knows why) to open this entry like so many of the others by saying that, yes, it has been a really long time since I updated. Why I have this urge to continue to point out the obvious in every single entry is beyond me. It probaby has to do with some inner, latent desire to be a bit more constant with my posting habits, but the fact remains that I'm not, and probably never will be, at least not until my life starts to calm down in some noticable way, which won't be very likely in the immeadiate future.
Now, on the business! My life is HECTIC! AHHHHHHHHH! Five classes at school, making up a total of five and a half hours every day in class, coupled with my daily three hours of transit to and from school and home, plus a good two hours of homework every night, plus a good hour every day of practice time, plus the time that I spend looking for, filling out applications for and writing cover letters for my ever-constant job hunt. Add to that trying to be able to see my girlfriend as often as I'd like (every day would be preferable) voice lessons and various things that just come up out of nowhere and I'm a bit stressed out. I can't even imagine how I'll survive once I get a job. Probaby have a nervous break down or something.
On the plus side, I'm really really close to nailing down the specifics for my book. I just replaced a character, actually, and the story's a lot better for it. I've also been working on the world and geography and I've added a lot of missing elements, so I'm very happy with the way that things are going. I'm also spending more time on PO, which is cool because the people on PO rock. If I recall correctly, I haven't posted since I came back from AWA, so I will say only that it was an awesome, awesome thing and I wish that I could go back every year. In the event that I can go back I'll probaby stay at the hotel because there's way too much going on there to miss. I met a lot of people that I had waited years to meet and they turned out to be just as awesome as I thought that they would be. I also met some people that I hadn't even really known through PO and they turned out to be some of the nicest, coolest people ever (Go Texas crew!). Over all, a very awesome experience.
It's interesting how fast the years seem to be going by now. I can remember back when I was little thinking about how long it took for a year to pass. Now a year seems like a fairly short amount of time. It might be that, as an adult (and I use the term lightly) you have so many plans and ideas that stretch into the future so far that a year seems like quite a small measurement, unlike the child who doesn't think past the next weekend. I guess it's all relative after all, eh? I wouldn't say that time is flying by because I'm having fun (most of it's quite stressful right now) but that I'm still having a good time and I'm pretty much on top of things, which is a very nice change of pace.
Anyway, I've got to get back to homework and voice-work and ear-work and looking-for-work, so I'm gonna go.
Take care all who read this! And know (again) that if you want to get a hold of me email, posting a reply here (or on PO for that matter) a PM on PO or (rarely these days) AIM are all good methods. I'm always willing to talk to anyone with a care to speak
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~Weiler | | comments: 6 comments or Leave a comment |
| Hey Everyone,
Wow, it's been a long freak'n time since I updated this thing. So much has happened it's weird to think about it. Here's the short recap:
I'm in a musical and am completely and utter swamped with practices.
Because of these said practices I'm finding it very hard to continue with many of the normal things that I have to get done so I'm getting a little frustrated.
Again, because of said practices, barely anyone that I know (including family) has seen hide or hair of me in the past MONTH, so I'm feeling kind of distant from things right now, which I can decidedly say I do not appreciate.
Lastly, I have a girlfriend now. She's beautiful and charming and spunky and makes me very very happy. And since I found her over the summer I'm optimistic that the Spring Rules will not come into play. I guess we'll see.
It's funny how something can completely take over your life and you won't even see it until you're so deep in it you can't even get out. The fact that it's a show that's consuming me, though, is a lot nicer than the usual vices that I can fall into because 1. I'm learning a lot 2. It's constructive 3. It relates directly to my chosen profession and 4. It will end in less than two weeks, meaning life will go back to normal.
What an odd experience it's all been, though. I can only say that I feel changed, but I can't, as of yet, explain how so. The weird thing about all this is that I can't help but feel as if I'll really have to adjust to return to normal life. Perhaps this is the beginning of the 'Performance Bug' that I hear most of my ilk are supposed to posess. Perhaps it is just the idea of having to return to the mundane life that I've created for myself. Or perhaps it's just the idea that, when it's all over, I won't be returning to life as I knew it because certain things have changed beyond what I could have ever expected. As always, I'm optimistic for the future. Things are looking up. To be honest, I'm glad that, in some ways, life will be different. I didn't exactly have an enviable lifestyle up until now and maybe this is just a marked point at which I can start to build a new existence. ("I feel like I'm at a crossroads in my life, and there's a Denny's on one corner and an IHOP on the other!")
I guess I'd just like to say that, for any of you who have been wondering what the frick'n heck happened to me that I'm sorry for disappearing, but I think it's for the best. Once again, email me if you needs to talk about something, or just respond to this post. I'll make the time to get back to you... though it may take until after next week.
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~Weiler | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| Hey Everyone,
What a week it's been. While not much has happened in terms of number of events, those events that have occured are of a more significant nature.
My college vocal jazz group had it's last performance. A vast number of the people who were in it are not coming back. I'm the only male in the group that's staying on next year. While I may not have been the best of friends with every one in the group we were all close in a way. A group of people can't spend that much time together without forming a bond of some kind, epsecially when the reason we all came together was music. Music groups share a certain closeness, like the kind you find in sport teams and army regiments. It's the bond of having to overcome challenges together, of having to depend on a group to get the job done. You may not like everyone on the team, but you respect them for their dedication and skill. The bottom line is that I'm losing a good team of people, people that I will probably never see again. But, life is about hellos and goodbyes. You just have to take them as they come.
It's summer now. I'm not taking any classes so I'm on full job-hunting mode. My mother's giving me the full run down, always telling me about how she's worried for my future. In a way I can understand that. In a way I'm worried as well. The one thing that I've always lacked in my life was passion. I've never really been passionate about anything. I've never been taken with an all-consuming desire to become something or go somewhere or do something. My goals have always been simple. I want life, love and a place to call my own. Maybe it's wrong to shoot so low, but I can't help but think that if everyone could be happy with just those simple things that the world would be a much better place. So many things have been sacrificed, good things, irreplacable things, in the name of progress or fame or fortune. Why would anyone want to be famous or to have more money than they could possibly use in a lifetime or want to go to the moon? There are so many wonderous things that surround us every day, so many beautiful people and places and experiences that are all right here in front of us. Why should we desire anything more than that? I've never understood it, and in many ways it's seperated me from most people of my generation.
I'm reading the Tibetan Book of Living and Dying right now. I figure that since philosophy and religion hold such a fascination for me that I should try and understand more of it, learn more about the different types, where they come from and what they say. I guess I have Joseph Campbell to thank for this new fascination.
I'm not sure when I'll be writing again. More and more seems to be pulling me away from computers and their world. I guess this is just my extremely-delayed growing up. Or maybe it's just another step through the journey that I have to take. I know it's useless to remind you since there aren't that many people that read this, but I check my email religiously. If you want/need to talk to me you can always get a hold of me there. No matter what.
I hope that everything's going well. Good luck with all you do. Be excellent to each other.
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~Weiler | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| Hey Everyone,
Boy, what a strange few weeks it's been. For the most part I've been feeling better this week (over all) than I have in a really long time. I feel slightly reborn, renewed. Perhaps it's the sunny weather. Perhaps it's my new dedication to daily physical activity. Perhaps it's the fact that I've been going to more parties lately. Whatever the reason, it's been really nice lately, and I'd like to keep that going.
However, there do seem to be drawbacks.
While I'm getting along really well with most people in my life right now it feels like I'm alienating one person inparticular, a person that I'm very close to and means a lot to me. Maybe it's them, maybe it's me, but I feel that distance keenly, and I certainly don't like it. Friends and love are the reasons for life in the first place and I hate to lose either.
Another drawback is the always over-looked, but always present one of balance: For great ups there are great downs, too. I'm coming down right now, and that's cool, but sad. But, hey, that's life, right? You gotta take the good with the bad.
I might be getting a full-time job this summer doing more gardening, which would be awesome. I have a lot of experience in the feild and being able to rock a job all summer would do wonders for my money situation. I expect it'll probably end up being harder than I think it will, but I'll stick with it.
I might also start taking sword-lessons. One of my friend's coworkers is an expert, apparently, and she's going to start teaching really cheap classes. It'll start out slow, but by the end we'll be using real swords and dueling and stuff. Should be awesome.
Anyway, that's all that's going on in the world of Weiler right now. Of course, there are other things to say, but I've forbidden myself to speak of such things here. IM me or email me if you wish to know more! Bwa ha ha ha!
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~Weiler | | comments: Leave a comment |
|
How could you deny our love, Shurikane!? Shan and I were meant to be!
;)
Anyway, just thought I'd share.
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~Weiler | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Hey Everyone,
Well, after that lovely rant you might be wondering why it is that I'm posting a new entry, which makes sense. After all, I did say that I was done with the half-life of the internet and I am still firm in my resolve to give up this life. However, it occurs to me that, no matter how I feel about the net that I cannot give up on it completly. Our society is too wrapped up in the internet to be able to do that. Even the most average and web-ignorant of people have email and internet. It's a demon that I must accept. However, the dumbing down of my time on the net is the real concern, and in that I am steadfast.
But what of my friends on the net? It cannot be denied that I have them, some of them being a part of the LiveJournal community, some of them part of the online communities that I've become a part of. Can I, do I, give up these friends? I certainly think that that would be pure folly. Friends are important, and as such, should not be given up so lightly. But, of course, we then come to the question of whether or not these remote friends are truly real. That's where judgement comes into play. Obviously there are some of us who represent ourselve in this digital media instead of playing the roles that we set up for ourselves, and these are the friends worth keeping. I believe that I have gained a few of these friends through the net and they are quite dear to me. I shall not be giving them up under any means. However, I wonder whether or not they shall forget me as I will no longer be able to interact with them to the level that I was before. If I can only talk to them every once in a while does this mean that our friendship will fade? Will they forget me or think that I no longer care for her friendship because I busy myself with activities that keep me away from conversation with her? That would require a knowledge of those people that I will not presume to know. However, I say now that I would never want to lose that friendship, as strange as it may seem to others. The answer it seems, with have to tell with time.
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~Weiler | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Hey Everyone,
I'm beginning the doubt that anyone is actually reading these posts, so I suppose my whole rant about modifying the journal to serve the intrests of the reader was truly in vain. It also means that I'm relatively safe talking about almost all things that are going on in my life.
But I'll never tell it all. ;)
Anyway, I'm sick right now. I hate being sick. I almost never get sick, and when I do it invariably sucks. This year has actually been one of the weirder ones in that I usually only get sick once a year and then it's REALLY bad. I think the best one was where I was completely healthy, in tip top shape, all year and then I got appendixcitis. That was some good times. I just hope I never get tonsilitis. I'm not sure what that would do to my voice. It could really suck.
I suppose the most pressing topic on my mind these days is money. It's a surprizing turn of events, really. I've never really had the inclination to worry about money before, even when I've been really short of it. These days, however, I seem to spend a fair amount of my brain power trying to figure out ways to confirm a steady cash flow into my pocession. Perhaps it has to do with a latent desire to get the heck out of my mom's house and be on my own. However, even if I got a job tomorrow, it would still take me some time to get to a place where that would be possible. Oh well. I've also thought about actually using music as a revenue for money, but we just lost the bass in our accapella group (a warm nod to Redo, we shall miss you, buddy) and it'll take some time to train a new one IF we find one.
It's interesting how being in my college choir has changed the way that I think a vocal group should be run. It's like I can see where we could go but I'm not sure how to get there. It's very frustrating, but promising for the future since I can see we all have a fair amount of talent. We just need to find a way to make it work for us.
WARNING: Rant Ahead. Those with a weakness for idiots and emotionally stunted individuals, turn back now.
I'm beginning to become extremely frustrated with my life. For the longest time now it seems that I can't get anywhere. I've discovered my goal but now that I'm chasing it I'm farther away than ever. The more I learn the more I discover how far behind I am, how small my chances of success are. There are people playing this game that have been in it at a serious level for years. I've only just started! I dispair of trying to catch up because to get the necessary skills I'd need more teachers, which cost more money. That's why I'm worried about it all the time! There's little I can do by myself because I lack the knowledge of how to go about bettering my skills. On top of all that I can't shake this damn feeling that I'm disconnected from everyone! I can't remember the last time that I was able to really touch someone in any kind of mental, emotional or physical way. I feel like I'm slowly dying. I WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING! I want to connect with someone, anyone, on a real level! None of this bullcrap online stuff. It's only a surrogate for the real thing, for a real life! It's like some kind of unlife that has sucked me in, an unlife that has devoured the lives of so many of my generation. Raised on television and mircowave meals we lack the mental will to force ourselves the live the real life, accepting this fake pixelated fabrication for the real thing because we're too lazy to want to rise from our chairs. I HATE IT! I HATE IT ALL! It's just a fecking drug, a sedative for the unwashed masses. They offer us an alterative for paradise. We are given the chance to 'be' whatever we can dream up in a place where we can interact with real people. But what we don't realize is that it isn't just a fake world, but fake people, too! We're all pretending to be something else, something we're not! How many of us hide behind the masks of characters that we have cultivated in this digital canvas, reacting as our characters would instead of being who we really are? And how safe are we when the only obligation of friendship and valor that we must put forth don't even require us to leave our seats! We can all appear to be the paramount of goodness, kindness and honor without really living any of those traits at all! And how many choose the other path? To appear evil and mean and sadistic, to punish others with their presense because they don't have the strength to stand up to those who have insulted and pushed them around in their real lives? How imature are we that we cannot give up something that is less than real? It is less than a dream and more than fantasy.
I want out. I can't do this any more. It is only a continuation of the same foolishness that has landed my life in such a terrible place to begin with. It is all over. I'm done.
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~Weiler | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Hey Everyone,
Well, since no one has deigned to vote then it falls to me to decide the fate of this journal. Indeed, it has been hinted to me by some that that has been my duty all along and that I was a fool to think that I could pass it off to others. Perhaps they are right. However, I choose to see this journal as a public interface for ideas, and since my very vocation in life is consumed around serving an audience, it seemed the natural thing to ask them for what they wanted and to give it to them. Perhaps I'm too serving of others. But that's another topic for another day.
My college group just got back from the Reno Jazz Festival, which we won. Reno's a dump, really. I've been to Vegas and Reno, and I can tell you all that if you didn't really like Vegas, then you'll hate Reno. It has all the flaws of Vegas with none of it's redeming qualities. Blegh. Anyway, the trip in and of itself was pretty boring, though it was good to hang out with the group some. Gives me more of an idea of what my peer group is like in general, which is something that I often loose touch with. Winning was also nice, but it was pretty much in the bag and I can't say I feel any kind of personal pride in the accomplishment since I don't really contribute much to the group in an individual manner.
Which, of course, leads me to a topic that has been buzzing around in my head for a bit of time now: Whether or not to stay in the group next year. Now, obviously, the group it fun. Lots of good people, good music, but I tend to expect something more out of musical participation. If I wanted fun and friends I'd just, well, hang out with my friends. I think what really gets me most is that I don't feel like I add anything to the group. They already have three other people on my part and they have many people there that has skills far above my own, and I'm uncomfortable with the idea that I'm just around for a bit of extra richness for the group sound. Now, there's nothing wrong with being a back-up singer, or a group singer. I've been doing that for some time now, and I'm not complaining. However, this group takes up a lot of time and a lot of money, two things that I am running out of very quickly, and unless I'm contributing to the group in any kind of essential way, I really can't justify that further expense.
The thing is, I've also been thinking about my musical career. There's still a lot I need to know and a lot I want to know and I've got this strange itch to get out into the real musical world, to do constant gigging and really plunge into the more work-aspect of it. After all, Brit Quinten (Lead Counter-Tenor for M-Pact! A fine musical group based out of L.A. GO LISTEN TO THEM!) who is one of my idols, once told me that, as much as school learning is invaluable to the musician and gives you a wonderful basis for the skills that you need, you need to eventually decide for yourself that you want to be out there working for a musical career or just give it up. I believe that this idea relates to one I've had before.
Now, life, as I see it, is presented to us in the form of obstacles and challenges. From the very first day we are presented with things to do and learn, lessons that we must accept in order to fulfill our ambitions. As we grow older these continue, progressively getting harder as we, in turn, get better at moving through them. In this sense, life is nothing but a series of challenges that we must overcome. However, as we get into adulthood, we are presented with choices. Instead of being told which challenges we must face, we are presented with the opprotunity to choose which ones we wish to tackle, specializing ourselves into one field or the other. These decissions are made based on our feelings toward what kinds of challenges we like to face, which ones get us excited and interested. I believe that we must eventually get to a plataeu of sorts, or a place where we suddenly find that we don't crave new challenges. However, I believe that that occurs far, far into old age and that, for some, such a state never comes. I can only hope that I shall be one of them, though I suspect otherwise.
In any case, the desire to leave a group or experience or existence that one is comfortable with in exchange for a new more challenging, uncomfortable one, is an extension of that same human desire to be challenged, the progression of life beyond the mundane. Perhaps not all of us shall become the heros of the modern day, but I know we all shoot for it. That's what makes humanity such a wonderful thing.
I hope that everything's going well, faithful readers.
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~Weiler | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| Hey Everyone,
It occurs to me that perhaps my current posts haven't been as enjoyable to read as they used to. More and more it seems as if I speak to my own personal agenda instead of offering you a work of the mind or a new thought, which was what I originally set out to use this journal for. Perhaps, indeed, these are things that no one need know, yet I can't help but feel a need to express them and this seems the best forum for it.
However, I understand that as a public journal I have little right to go on about my own piddling problems. Therefore I offer you, the reader, a choice as to where this journal shall go from here. There are three options:
1. I shall use this journal to speak about my life and, through it, deeper problems that I feel affects society.
2. I shall use this journal to give to you more abstract ideas concerning life and various other oddities of existence.
3. I shall use this journal to write my last story, the story of the Last Realm as I saw it in my mind.
It is up to you. Choose one or suggest any alternatives if you think of something you'd rather see than those three. After two weeks I will tally up the responces and change the journal appropriately. If no one responds then I choose by myself.
Anyway, I apologize for the self nature of my recent posts and I hope that everything is going well for everyone.
Join the Fun
~Weiler | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
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